I posted my heartbroken journal post to a group of militant breastfeeding moms that I’m part of. I received a lot of sympathy, empathy, and supportive comments.
Two women, however, responded with a simple question: Would you stop hugging your son simply because hugging would make separation that much harder?
This is why I belong to this group. Because they have taught me something very valuable. When a mom is crying and at the end of her rope, and sees no hope for anything but weaning.. Ask her if there is any way that she can possibly continue. Offer options. Offer support. Offer comfort. Offer advice.
These moms, in most groups, would be criticized of bashing. Not for any reason other than the fact that they- from their non-emotional vantage point- can see solutions that may not be apparent to the mother who has broken down under the stress of it all.
They simply reminded me that toddlers that are at the end of their breastfeeding relationship often go 2, 3, 4 days or even a week or two without nursing. They simply reminded me that there will be inconsistencies between the parenting that my son receives from me, and the parenting that he would get from my husband. Maybe my husband would prefer to practice CIO, and let my son cry himself to sleep. Will that mean that I will have to let my son cry it out when he’s with me? No. Maybe my husband would prefer to not respond every time my son cries for a minor hurt. Would that mean that I should be less responsive as well? No.
I will be the mother that my son has always known. I will respond to him as I have always responded to him. If he asks to nurse, I will nurse him. I’m not weaning. He can wean himself, as I have always intended and as I have always promised. I’m not changing my parenting style. My son has lost enough through this whole thing. When he is with me, he will be with the mother and parent that he has always known.
I can give him that.
And I’m so very very grateful for the women that reminded me of this. I’m grateful for everyone who has offered me the support and kind words. I’m grateful for everyone who has done for me what I have asked everyone to do for other mothers: Support them. Mother them. Be there for them when they’re hurting, because motherhood is not easy.
Thank you. All of you.
[...] June 13, 2009 by Sara Updated- Strike that. Not weaning. I will be my son’s consistent parent. I can promise him tha… [...]
Yeah!!! Sorry I did not think of the advice for you but glad you got it . Great advice!!! email me .
Sara…
Sweetie, I am so glad to hear you have changed your mind…
I have been thinking about you ALL DAY, and your post from yesterday. I was so sad to read of what is going on in your life, if you need to get out of your “neck of the woods”, and want to hang out let me know!
It’s so good to hear that so many of us are speaking up to keep you on your intended path, to allow your son to wean himself. You are right to keep doing what you have wanted to do for him.
Sending you love and support.
xox-erin
You know my good friend has nursed her son till 4 years old and they both knew when it was time and no tears were shed or no wrong feelings because it was time. I think you and your son will know. But remember that your son will know you regardless of a breast and he will know that you are his mom and you are always there. I breast fed Max and could not with sam and we are just as close. We have a special bond because of how hard I worked to pump for her for those many months and the tears I shed when I could no longer do it.
I am sorry to hear that you are going through this but I know that you will find your way. I know it.
Also please go and get your lactation license so you can help women in NYC. Also, damn I owe you that box sent back. should I keep it till you are settled?
My thoughs are with you friend.
I second that motion…you should get your lactation license my dear!
Hear, hear!! I am so glad you got that sound advice, and that you are in some ways feeling better today!! I read your entry yesterday and wept for you. I hope things continue to get better for you as the days go in. I will be thinking of you, I think your blog is inspirational, and I thank you!
((hug))
I’m glad you’ve found something that works for you. I know a lot of parents, either in situations of divorce or just in situations where there is a SAHD, where the father doesn’t necessarily parent the same way that the mother does. And that is okay. As long as they can agree on the big things, I think the little things end up defining the relationship between each parent and the child and that is highly unique to each dyad.