Sometimes I let myself think about what the other person must be thinking when I say that I still breastfeed my two and a half year old. A two year old looks so big, so independent. And since most people only have experience with babies that nurse as newborns or as 6 month olds, their idea of what “breastfeeding” means is very limited to a certain phase. A time consuming phase. A possibly painful phase. A phase of leaking, of engorgement, of panicking over low supply. Of diaper-counting, elimination diets, and night waking.
Nursing a two year old is very different. The parallel I always think of is that of picking your child up. Picking your child up when the child is an infant often means long periods of holding. You have to support the child’s head when the child is an infant. You have to carry them, hold them, and they want to be held constantly. A newborn does not sit on your hip or support his own weight when held. If someone stopped picking their child up when their child was 3 months old or 9 months old, they might look at someone with a two year old and say “You STILL pick the child up?” thinking about how difficult it must be to hold 36lbs of child. Thinking about how big and independent that two year old looks. Thinking about it through their own experience, where the “picking up” relationship ended very early when the child’s needs were very different. “But the child is strong now. Doesn’t it hurt when he punches you in the face when you pick him up?” they’ll ask, flashing back to the flailing newborn limbs.
With a two year old nursling, they imagine that the teeth bite just as the flailing limbs would hit. They imagine that the child nurses constantly, doesn’t consume food, and is intertwined with you as only a newborn can be.
Because that is what they have experienced.
But it’s not like that. The child nurses or doesn’t nurse. Accepts postponements (usually). Asks politely (usually) instead of wailing. The child seldom nurses for comfort anymore (at least my son), and usually only nurses a few times a day. My newborn son would nurse 8-12 times a day, or sometimes 15 times a day, and for long periods of time. 30 minutes, 40 minutes, and hour.. Two.. Nursing was a full time occupation some months.
A toddler doesn’t nurse that way. Even if he nurses frequently, it’s for shorter amounts of time. You can do other things when a toddler nurses because you’re not supporting all of their weight, you’re not focused on the latch, you’re not leaking and engorged. A nursing session may last 5 minutes, or it may last 3 minutes. But I can’t remember the last time that I nursed for 15 minutes or longer. I can’t remember the last time my son didn’t sleep through the night. I can’t remember the last time I was engorged, the last time I leaked. I can’t remember the last time he bit down while nursing.
Child-led weaning is gradual. Not only for the child, but for the mother. It goes the way all of childhood goes. Like sand through a sieve. Slowly. Feedings space out, disappear, the child separates and becomes independent. Weaning is a milestone that is reached slowly, not a sudden destination.
Nursing a two year old is very different from nursing a newborn. I imagine that nursing a three or four year old is different from nursing a two year old. Maybe I’ll find out what that’s like, or maybe my son will have weaned himself by then.
Whatever it is, I’m in no rush. I enjoyed nursing my infant, and I’m enjoying being here for my two year old. It’s not without its frustrations and embarrassments, but ultimately it’s worth it to witness this beautiful miracle of seeing my son toddle off to independence at his own darned pace.
I love this post. There are days, indeed, when I wish that my two and a half your old hadn’t weened while I was expecting his baby brother- days when I’m snuggling him and thinking “This would be even more perfect if…”
Thank you for the beautiful and encouraging words!
I’m still amazed that I am nursing a 15 month old! Not that I didn’t think I ever would, but Roan weaned himself so soon, that I never felt what that was like.
It is very much as you say. He doesn’t nurse for long periods, sometimes he skips days. It’s mainly in the mornings, and right now he’s teething. I’m glad I can give him that comfort, and extra nourishment since right now he isn’t eating very well!
Great post Sara as always
I enjoyed this post very much. I’m not against long-term breastfeeding, but hadn’t thought too much about what it means to breastfeed an toddler. I didn’t realize how different it is from an infant. Even all the references I’ve read about toddlers nursing haven’t gone into these details. I really appreciate it, and this post makes me look forward to breastfeeding my daughter as long as she wants! Thank you!
I LOVE this post. My son is 2 1/2 and I so relate to you. I want L to self-wean as well, when he is ready. I am so glad I am still nursing him, we will once again be on a plane for 9 hours and he is a doll because he breastfeeds. And I don’t have to freak out about him getting sick as much, because of the immunity he gets. If he does get sick, I know I don’t have to worry about him getting dehydrated.
Breastfeeding a toddler is a win-win, and I blog about that all the time. Thanks for this blog post!
Hi this is my first visit here. My son is going to turn 1 year old next month. I’m looking forward to breastfeed a toddler. This will be my first time. (I stopped breastfeeding my first child at 10 months old). This post gives me some idea how would it be. Thanks!
This is such a great post. I wish I had thought of all this stuff last night, while talking with some friends who really disapprove of extended breastfeeding. I am currently nursing a toddler and I love it–in some many ways it is SO much easier than newborn nursing. It’s a far more relaxed, and relaxing, endeavor. I intend to keep it up as long as my daughter is interested, and the only difficulty is dealing with critics. Next time, thanks to this post, I may have something to say to them that they might understand!
I have to say that I would be very happy if my children slept through the night while still nursing! My second son didn’t sleep through the night until he was weaned at 2.7 years old, and my 20 month old daughter seems to be going down the same path!
A lovely post! I never imagined I would nurse past a year, let alone two but they just kept growing and getting older, but still needing me and my milk.
When my son weaned at 2y3m it was bitter sweet – I was happy that it was his decision (I’d weaned his sister at 21months) and that he was growing emotionally, but it was hard to redefine myself as a non nursing mum after 6years of pregnancy or nursing (and a brief few weeks of both in the middle) and let go.
My two are still very close, to me and each other – I was pinned down in bed this morning for a double snuggle before I was allowed to shower
Love this post. Rory is almost 2 1/2 years and baby Gwen is 7 months. I NEVER thought I would tandem nurse and the first few months of doing it I thought I made a mistake but now it is really great. Although sometimes I feel like Gwen might wean before her sister ??!! Has anyone ever heard of that ? Sara I wanted to ask if you nurse your son in public ? I tend not to becasue of hate how people stare or roll there eyes. But I do it if she needs comfort because of a fall or something.
Kate, I tend to try to avoid it. Not because I care much what other people say but because I don’t want my son getting the wrong idea about breastfeeding. Now that he understands English more, I’m afraid that some jerk will say something inappropriate and he’ll feel ashamed that he’s still nursing, or he’ll be hurt by it. So I tend to say “do you really need to nurse right now, or do you just need a drink of water or a cuddle?”, and I’ll try to find a quiet place to nurse.
I think that it would be different if I could hear, because if someone commented, I’d hear it and I could tell my son something to counteract whatever it was that he heard.
I hate that I feel as if I have to consider these things.
I hate that I feel as if I have to hide something normal and that I’m proud of, so that my son won’t be hurt by someone else’s stupidity.
I just found your blog and am looking forward to reading more. I am very jealous that you can’t remember the last time your son woke up at night to nurse! I often wonder if we’ll ever get there! My wee one also still nurses often and sometimes for long periods at 20 months. It’s sometimes hard to let her go at her own pace and trust that this too shall pass in its own time.
Breastfeeding is such an intimately physical act. It forces us to nurture ourselves as well as our children. We have to think about exercise, posture, health, organic food, limiting sugar, etc.. because we know all of those things go into the milk we make for our babies/toddler each day. When we continue to nurse into the toddler years I think that self-awareness increases. Our children pick up on this vibe, knowing that we care for ourselves to care for them. Eating well, exercising and sleeping well makes for happy children and mamas.
Sometimes if she is nursing more, it is a reminder that we need to slow down and go at toddler pace again. What’s the rush?
Boy, I would love to still be breastfeeding. I never really wanted to give it up when my daugher was 20 months old, and she was a real suckler. She is stil lso attached to those breasts. We call it “boobing it” when she fondles me. At 20 months of course if was difficult when I had to exlain to her that in public it wasn’t ok (WHY NOT). Sometimes she’d get so impatient while I was chatting in public she’d just reach in and pull my breast out in front of everyone.
For many reasons I feel I have not competed this nurturing. So when is the “end”. I have decided to express milk now for my 4 year old. At least one glass per day. I am massaging now and will take fenugreek when it arrives to promote milk production. I have always had those few drops ever after almost 2.5 yrs of not nursing. Maybe because of her fondling, maybe because of the psychological tie. I have decided I am just no ready to be done yet. The real reason I stopped BF was because of stigma. I hope the pump will work. It didn’t when she was little. Was a lot of work. I think now my reasons are different and I understand the mental aspect of the let down. Would love to hear from anyone else trying this. Going back to feeding for an older child. Pumping only.