Mother Guilt and Shame

If you are a mother and are reading this and struggling with guilt or shame because “breastfeeding wasn’t easy”, “I failed at breastfeeding”, “I give formula sometimes”, “I can’t get my baby to latch”, “I only breastfed for… And I wanted to breastfeed for…”

Put the shame down. Put the guilt down. They have no place in your life.

If the guilt, shame or fear are causing you to avoid seeking help with breastfeeding problems or if they’re causing you to avoid trying to breastfeed again with another child…

Put the shame down. Put the guilt down. They have no place in your life.

Breastfeeding might be “natural”, but the truth is that in this society it’s become anything but. Very few countries have the culture of breastfeeding.

Primates in captivity struggle with tasks like breastfeeding too. Why? Because primates and humans learn from SEEING. We don’t see women breastfeed in this culture (unless we’re very lucky).

Almost every woman in this society that gives birth will find herself reinventing the wheel of breastfeeding to some degree. We don’t see it. We don’t talk about it in detail, or if we do we focus on the wrong aspects. “It hurt so I quit”. “My milk didn’t come in after I gave birth, so I gave formula”. We focus on the pain but not the solutions. The failures but not the reasons.

It’s a shame. Because almost every breastfeeding problem has a solution. A solution that’s not easy to find.

It’s a shame. Because almost every woman who has been through pregnancy has also been through tremendous pressure to breastfeed. But once the baby’s out, the pressure to breastfeed stays constant and the level of support varies tremendously. Finding help and resources is HARD. Getting past the idea that “this is supposed to be natural” is HARD. Swallowing our pride and asking for help is HARD because we’re supposed to “know how to do it”.

The truth is, statistics show that most women give birth expecting/wanting to try to breastfeed. By the time that woman has left the hospital- usually before her milk is even supposed to have come in, a lot of those women are formula feeding exclusively. This is not because of a failure on mom’s part. It’s because of misinformation that has propagated through our doctors, our nurses, our hospitals, our pediatricians, and through the women in our country.

Don’t feel guilty. It’s more normal to struggle than not.

Put aside the guilt. Seek information. Read kellymom.com . Join communities like Cafemom and talk to other breastfeeding moms in the groups there. Lurk at reddit/r/breastfeeding . Get the book “So That’s What They’re For” by Janet Tamaro. Read. Talk. You’re not SUPPOSED to know how to do this. Not in this society. It’s confusing. There’s contradicting information everywhere.  Read. Seek. Consume. Try.

If your baby is already 6 months old and bottle fed and you’re reading this because you feel guilt.. If your baby’s 18 years old and long past the breastfeeding age.. If you blame yourself.. If anyone has ever had the gall to blame you.. Read. Inform yourself. It’s not useless information. You’ll see where others sabotaged you or failed you, and you’ll see that YOU did not fail. You were failed by those that should have helped you.

And please.. Please be gentle with yourself. You’re not a failure. This stuff is hard.

Apologies to Parents I’ve Seen Moments Of

We love to judge the things that we cannot relate to. Before we have children, we probably passed judgment on the people whose kids we saw acting up, or who seemed flustered.

We do not know the situation the person is in. Why they have made the “choices” that they have made, or what alternatives were open to them. We know only what we see at that snippet in time.

I apologize to those that I have thought negatively of, based on snippets in time. I do not know your situation. I do not know why your child may be screaming, or why you might have forced the bottle into his mouth. I do not know why you seemed distracted. I do not know how you parent those other moments of your day.

I apologize because I have those moments, too. Those moments of glaring imperfection where I seem distracted, flustered, out of my element. We all do. It’s what the majority of our moments are, that matter. Not the single moments that are visible to strangers that pass through our lives each day.

From now on, when I see those moments, I’ll try to think of ways in which I can help instead of judge. And if there is no way for me to help, I’ll take those moments as a reminder to try and have as many of the “good” kind of moments as I can.

As long as there is no outright abuse or negligence, we have no right to pass judgment based on just moments in time.

Milk Stages

Milk goes through many changes. First, you have colostrum which is thick and sticky and which can be various shades of yellow, gold, and orange. My colostrum with my first son was an almost metallic orange.  With my second son it was the color of orange juice.

Then, it turns into transitional milk where the colostrum is still present. The bags below show my transitional milk (pumped day 4 postpartum when my milk came in) and more mature milk (pumped week 2 postpartum).

This post doesn’t really have much of a point other than “expect the look of your milk to vary and change”. Different colors are normal, from pinkish, to brownish, orange-ish, and even green can be completely and totally normal.

Hello Loki

Baby’s here. Born July 6 at 1:51 after a precip labor lasting about 3 hours from the first contractions to baby’s birthday.

The hospital stay went surprisingly well. I was “allowed” to keep the baby with me for more than an hour after birth. Once he was out and I said hello, I immediately undid my gown and held him near the breast. I let him stay skin to skin until he started showing interest, then I made sure his mouth was near the nipple. When he started fussing, I did a slight “nipple sandwich” and let him latch himself on. No pressure, and everything on his timeline as he showed interest. His latch was great and he nursed for a good 45 minutes.

He had some issues with maintaining body temperature even after an hour of skin to skin, and his little feet and hands were grayish and not turning pink even with my rubbing them. So we let him go to the nursery for some time under the warmer. I insisted that dad go with him. The nurse, who noticed that I had been nursing him, confirmed that I was exclusively breastfeeding, and I asked her to put a sign in the bassinet. His daddy apparently chased away the formula gift-bag people, so while I was asked a few times about formula/pacifiers before people saw the sign, there was no pressure exerted to give him formula or a pacifier. It was nice.

I have a post on the “language of feeding” used by hospitals and doctors coming up, though. Despite being supported and having multiple people stop by the room to offer support if I needed it.. And despite one very awesome nurse manager who apparently nursed her two little ones until they were over two years old.. There’s a language that is used that encourages questions to be asked, that sort of eases mom in the direction of formula.  It’s all very subtle, but it’s easy for people to fall into formula feeding.

Two upcoming posts:

“The Language of Feeding” and “Even Veteran Breastfeeders Get the Blues” (Loki, despite his excellent initial latch, still managed to shred my nipples because he persistently tucks his lips under while latching. I’ve done all the normal tricks, but he’s a little barracuda and those lips have a mind of their own. I’m able to prevent it most of the time now (with sort of a modified “breast sandwich” that uses two extra fingers to push the lips out while he latches. But he still gets on all kerflooey sometimes and I’m too busy squeaking in pain to unlatch and try again or to pop his lips out for a second or two.

Nipple cream is my friend, and we’ll get it eventually.

What Is “Normal”?

Another frequent question that I see on the breastfeeding forums is “Is this normal?” “What is normal?” “Help! My mother/brother/sister-in-law/best-friend/pediatrician said this isn’t normal!” “Is my baby eating too much?” “Is my baby eating too little?” “Should I wake baby up to eat?” “Shouldn’t baby be sleeping longer?” “My breasts are hard!” “My breasts are soft!”

It’s normal. “Normal” does not necessarily mean “The experience that most/all people have”. It means that it’s normal for your baby and for your body, and for your nursing relationship.

So let’s address “what is NOT normal”.

It’s not normal or healthy if your baby is making too few wet diapers per day. Before your milk comes in your baby’s diaper count for the day should match the day of life. So on day one, one wet. On day two, two wets. On day three, three wets. You might see more wets if you had an IV while in labor or if your baby were born via c-section. (Expect these babies to “lose more weight”- it’s water weight.) Once your milk comes in, baby should start making 6-8 wets per day. A “wet” diaper is commonly defined as four tablespoons of liquid. Not sure if your baby’s diaper is “damp”, “wet” or “soaked”? Pour 4 tablespoons of water into a clean dry diaper, and see what it feels like. That’s wet. More than that is “soaked” and counts as two wets. A poopy diaper is also generally counted as a “wet” diaper.  Sometimes if baby’s been sweating a lot, or has been ill, diaper count can go down for a day or so without being a big issue (especially if baby’s older). But consistent low diaper count can be a sign that baby’s not getting enough milk and that mom might either have some supply issues or that there might be a “milk transfer” issue caused by a weak/ineffective suck, high palate, poor latch, or a severe tongue tie.

It’s not normal or healthy for your baby to have strong smelling concentrated or dark urine. Sometimes baby’s urine might have a slight tinge of color (my son’s always turned a bit pinkish if I ate a lot of beets). Strong concentrated urine can be a sign of dehydration, though.

It’s not normal for baby to lose weight consistently instead of gaining weight (Once baby has re-gained to birth weight, that is). If baby’s losing weight, there’s a problem somewhere. Often the problem is an incorrectly calibrated scale. Make sure your provider checks that the scale is properly functioning before each weight check. If the scale is properly functioning and baby is being weighed the same way each time (ie: in a clean diaper or diaper-free), make sure that the weight difference can’t be accounted for by something as simple as “baby hadn’t pooped in a week at the last weigh-in, and just had three blow-out diapers in a row just before this weigh-in”. If baby’s absolutely losing weight, there’s a problem that needs to be addressed. If baby’s making enough wet diapers, baby might have an intolerance to something in your diet (such as dairy or soy which are common culprits). Baby might have a metabolic disorder which is causing low weight gain. There might be a milk transfer issue. Mom might have over-supply or foremilk imbalance. Seek support in breastfeeding forums if your baby is losing weight. Find out about things such as breast compressions, block feeding, nursing frequency, things to increase supply, etc. Formula MAY be needed as a last resort, but before that you can try things such as pumping your milk, refrigerating it, skimming the fat off the top and spoon-feeding the fat to the baby after each nursing.

Weight loss can sometimes be totally normal, too. Most babies will either level out on the growth charts or lose a bit of weight once they become more mobile. Or during teething. Or if they’ve been sick. Formula is not the answer to any of those causes of “weight loss”.

Other Non-Normal Things

Sometimes there are definitely issues, such as reflux or silent reflux. Genetic disorders such as PKU or galactosemia. Sensitivities to something in mom’s diet. Thrush. There’s a lot that can be “abnormal” so it’s always a good idea to seek out more information if you’re in doubt.

What IS normal, though?

A lot of things. It can be perfectly normal for a newborn to nurse constantly while awake- and even while asleep. It can be normal for a newborn to sleep through the night immediately, and only nurse every 3 hours during the day. It’s DEFINITELY normal for baby to completely change things around on you every once in a while. It’s normal for baby to scream for random reasons during/before/after a feed. Cluster-feeding where baby will nurse for hours and want to switch breasts constantly.. Normal. Baby having a preference for one breast over the other? normal. Baby having absolutely no schedule at all? Totally normal. (And more common than not.)

It’s also totally normal for your baby to do things that absolutely drive you stark raving mad.  Humans are illogical beings that learn to mostly pretend to be logical for social reasons. Infants have absolutely no desire or ability to be logical. They’re likely going to drive you insane at various points. Breathe deep. It’s normal.

Focus less on “normal” and more on “Is baby healthy? Is baby meeting milestones? Is baby making enough wet diapers? Are there things about this nursing relationship that I think could possibly be improved?”

If there are things that you’d like to change, classify them as “goals” rather than as “things that may not be normal”. Seek advice from experienced breastfeeders, see if there’s anything that you can do to help you feel better about the situation, or if there’s possibly something that you can tweak to make things feel a bit more like they’re running smoothly. You’ll discover things that you might not even imagine existed. Things like hypoallergenic infant probiotics, ring slings, “one ounce per hour” rules of mom/baby separation.. All sorts of advice exists out there to help make your life easier without involving bottles, formula, weaning, etc.

Just make sure you’re seeking advice in the right places. Find people that had experiences similar to yours. (If you think you have low supply, don’t accept advice from someone who could squirt milk across the room and hit a bulls-eye/pump 10 ounces in 5 minutes after nursing triplets. Seek someone out who had low/normal supply.) Find people that had similar goals to yours and that MET them. (If you want to nurse for 2 years, ignore advice from the woman who nursed for 3 months and quit. )

10 Days ’til Due

Ten days til my due date with baby #2, who I shall be referring to as “Nano” on this site.

Colostrum is in, and beads up when I pinch my nipples. A few weeks ago it was colorless and looked like water. Now it beads up in that oddly metallic golden orange color that I remember so well from the early days after my first son’s birth.

The second is different from the first. I know things now that I didn’t know the first time around. This will make things easier.

I’ve hit that “Calm before the storm” period where suddenly everything is quite simply quiet. The heat of the summer sun which has been scalding and uncomfortable up until now, seems mellow and lazy and perfect. My stretched muscles feel somehow relaxed. My baby has descended and is head-down waiting to be born. When I think of meeting him for the first time, my breasts tingle with phantom let-down pains and I half expect to find my shirt soaked with milk that I know won’t come in until after he’s been born.

I have a few cans of formula that have shown up on my doorstep, packed up with the formula coupons that have been rolling in, and ready to drop off at the local church so that they can be put to good use. I figure I’ll wait until my second son is here so that I can take whatever samples I’m given at the hospital and make it a single trip.  (Although I anticipate many more samples to show up in the future.)

It will be different this time around. With my first son, I knew only that I wanted to breastfeed and that I did not want to formula feed. But I didn’t know that I COULD breastfeed. I was a nervous little ball of self-doubt and unanswered questions. My son would not latch, and I pinched colostrum out of my nipples to paint on his tongue as I tried again and again to get him to latch on.

Nano, I’ll simply hold to my chest and see if he’ll latch on. I’ll whisper “When you’re ready, little one”, and let him choose when to try. Maybe gently encourage him if needed, but there will be so much less stress, so much less worry and confusion.

It makes me sad for myself, and for other first-time moms that find themselves so suddenly unsupported and struggling.

But it makes me happy for that three-year-and-twenty-four-day journey through the stages of breastfeeding that my first son and I had, and for the journey I’m about to embark upon with this little one who waits patiently to be born. It makes me happy for the other moms that I’ve been able to encourage. Had I not experienced the difficulties in the beginning, I might not be so passionate about trying to help other moms make it work.  I am thankful for this.

I will be posting about the experience of breastfeeding from the beginning. Early issues, weigh-ins, etc. I wish I had kept an early breastfeeding journal with my first son. It would have been.. Interesting.

Studies Change “Best Practices”.

In one of the groups that I frequent, there was a long thread about the introduction of solids. One of the most common things to hear on any of these threads is “Well when my first child was a baby”… “When *WE* were kids, my parents..” and “We all are healthy and managed to survive”. I used to think that this was simple defensiveness. People tend to do what they’ve always done, and habits are hard to change.

Today, though, I read something that was a bit of a wake-up call for me.

“When my older daughter was a baby, WIC and the doctor recommended starting cereal at 3-4 months and baby food at 4-5months. Now when the WIC people give me grief about solids I just tell them that and they shut up because we all know babies digestive systems didn’t change in the last 3 years.”

Studies change what is considered “best practice”. As we get new information, as we see the effects of a formerly recommended practice, as new studies are done on the development of the bodies and digestive systems of our children, the “best practices” recommendations evolve.

It used to be recommended that babies be put to sleep on their bellies so that if they spit up, they would not choke on the spit-up. Now it’s recommended that babies be put to bed on their backs. The bodies of our babies haven’t changed in the past 20 years, however groups have been founded to investigate the causes of SIDS, to study the similarities between cases, and to attempt to minimize the lives lost. These studies say that the best practice is to place our babies on their backs to sleep.

The introduction of solids, rice cereal in bottles, and rice cereal in general are another thing that has been investigated.

We now know that introducing cereals before 3 months of age is “at or near the top of the list for potential triggers of Type I Diabetes” later in life: http://www.kellymom.com/nutrition/solids/solids-diabetes.html

We also know that while adding cereal to the infant’s bottle can in some cases decrease spitup, it does not significantly decrease the real problem, which is REFLUX. It simply causes the reflux to become silent. This means that the baby is no longer spitting up, however the acid is still coming up and causing the baby distress, pain, and physical damage. A study done in December of 2008 showed that thickened feeds “had no effect on the reflux index, number of acid gastroesophageal reflux episodes per hour, or number of reflux episodes lasting >5 minutes”, and declared thickened feeds to be only
“moderately effective” (http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/cgi/content/abstract/122/6/e1268 ) Since the thickened feeds are only “moderately effective” at decreasing the damaging effects of reflux but highly effective at decreasing the cosmetic signs of reflux (spitting up), babies are at risk for suffering from damage from the continued effects of reflux that the parents think they have effectively eliminated with thickened feeds.

In addition to that, babies that are receiving thickened feeds gain weight much more rapidly, are much more likely to suffer from childhood and adult obesity, potentially more likely to suffer from Type I Diabetes later in life, are exposed to allergens and may be more likely to develop food allergies and other life-threatening conditions such as FPIES.

Not only that, but one of the main contributing factors to reflux is delayed gastric emptying. Thickened feeds delay gastric emptying. It seems counter-intuitive to treat a problem with something that is known to contribute to the problem itself.

For a baby with severe reflux, a medication is much more effective at preventing long-term physical damage from reflux and reducing the amount of pain that your baby experiences.

For a baby with mild reflux, breastfeeding and keeping the baby in a more upright position after feeds can often resolve the problem.

Yet, doctors continue to recommend thickened feeds. Why? Many doctors seem to fall into the same patterns of “I recommended this last year, I’ll continue recommending it again this year”. These doctors continue to ignore the current recommendations of the American Academy of Pediatrics and the World Health Organization. They’re human, after all. They learned one thing in college, or in their own parenting experiences, and there doesn’t seem to be any “continuing education” requirement that demands that they stay up to date on the current “best practices” recommended by the AAP, or studies being done.

So the question is simply: Knowing the new information that has been released- do we care more about simply diminishing some of the more inconvenient (for us) symptoms of the condition while leaving the harmful symptoms virtually untouched and drastically increasing a lot of other risk factors for our children.. Or do we want to modify our actions to follow the recommendations of current studies that point to other solutions being more effective with potentially less of a risk of serious long-term side effects? Do we want to try methods with no side effects such as keeping our infants upright, modifying mom’s diet to try to reduce the effects of reflux, or look into the physical causes of why the child has reflux?

That’s a personal parenting decision, and IMO one that should be made fully informed rather than having it be based on the mistaken idea that old information is still correct just because the digestive systems of babies haven’t changed in the past few years.

Pacifiers and Their Effect on Breastfeeding

A common question on the forum that I moderate is “So are pacifiers bad for breastfeeding or not?” A number of studies have been done on this topic, and most of them show that use of a pacifier does decrease the duration of breastfeeding. (ref: breastfeedingbasics.org)

Yet, other studies show different results. Although those studies tend to focus more on the shorter-term duration of breastfeeding. There are also studies that show that pacifier use decreases SIDS.

So. Are pacifiers good, bad, godsend or evil?

It depends. Some moms have milk supplies that need all the stimulation that they can get in order to “make enough”. Other moms have abundant and indestructible milk supplies.

I know my milk supply was.. ahh.. somewhat tenuous here and there. I frequently had to nurse round-the-clock to keep it up. Comfort nursing definitely helped keep my supply going. Otherwise I probably would have had issues whenever I had my period.

So for ME, a pacifier would probably have been a very bad thing.

It also depends on nipple confusion. If baby gets nipple confusion, pacifiers are definitely not very helpful.

The breast is better for oral/facial/muscular development than the pacifier is. The breast is less likely to become contaminated with bacteria than the pacifier is. Suckling on the pacifier doesn’t communicate with mom’s immune system the way comfort sucking at the breast does. The breast is less likely to be recalled than the pacifier is. The breast is less likely to rip/tear and pose a choking hazard than the pacifier is. The breast is less likely to contain chemicals that can end up in the baby’s system than the pacifier is. Yes, the teats on pacifiers are presumed safe, but we are constantly finding out new issues with different chemicals.

So.. The breast is definitely better than the pacifier for a lot of reasons. I don’t know that I’d say that the paci is “bad”, per se. I just don’t consider it the essential part of babyhood that our society seems to think that it is.

It’s something that CAN cause problems. As long as mom’s aware of what those problems can be, and is prepared to deal with the outcome, it’s fine.

I know some moms who have had used pacifiers when their babies were younger, and so their child refused to comfort-suck. Mom’s supply dropped and the child would just become frustrated because they didn’t like to have to work for their food. My son LIKED to suck, he found it comforting, so when he was upset, he was prepared and willing to suckle for long periods of time until the milk came in. He found it soothing to work for his food.

Moms whose babies are used to finding comfort in pacifiers will have a MUCH harder time in the situation mentioned above. If they’re ready to stick it out and do everything required to increase their supply, it’s not necessarily a bad thing..

But “what is necessary” is often not something that mom is ready or willing to cope with, and most babies whose moms suffer from supply problems after the 3-6 month grace period, end up on formula at this point. Because for a mom whose baby is okay with comfort sucking, they’ll nurse for 2-3 hours somewhat easily and bring mom’s supply up. A baby who is NOT okay with comfort sucking at the breast will nurse until the milk stops, then scream in hunger and frustration and will only take the pacifier, which does not increase mom’s milk supply. Often you see weight loss in these babies, so you’re not only dealing with an unhappy baby but probably an unhappy spouse, a pediatrician that is highly recommending formula supplementation, and a baby that is no longer thriving. Bringing up your supply when baby gets comfort from a pacifier? Not something I’d ever want to deal with.

I just tend to take the “I’d rather let my body and my baby sort it out the way nature intends” approach. Babies are meant to suckle at the breast. They are meant to find comfort from this. This encourages them to nurse, which encourages bonding and increases mom’s supply. Mom is not “being used as a pacifier” when a baby wants to comfort suck. A pacifier does not exist in nature. It’s a rubber substitute for mom. Baby is using mom as mom, not as a pacifier. Pacifiers are tools of convenience, which can definitely be nice. But to consider them the “right” way and to categorize comfort sucking at the breast as being used as a substitute for something that was developed to be a substitute for sucking at the breast… It’s a bit backwards.

That said, when I had a herniated disc in my back when my son was 5 months old, I definitely introduced a pacifier. I was in chronic pain, and needed to be able to move around more than comfort sucking allowed me to, and I could no longer wear him in a sling or baby carrier. So my son had a pacifier from around 5 months until around 1 year old when he randomly decided that it stunk and that he preferred to nurse for comfort again. Because the routine of “suck to increase supply” was already firmly in place, I didn’t have any supply issues from the pacifier introduction. If he hadn’t deeply understood that rhythm, I might have ended up weaning at that point.

My son self-weaned at 3 years 24 days when I was 3 months pregnant. (6.5 months pregnant now. )

“I’m afraid I won’t be able to breastfeed because my breasts are sexual”

One of the common and very very sad questions that I see often on the breastfeeding forum where I’m a moderator is a woman worrying over whether she will be able to breastfeed because she feels her breasts are sexual, and because she gets sexual pleasure when her husband/boyfriend/lover touches them.

Breasts have no sexual function. Their only direct link to human sexuality is that they are a reproductive organ in that once we have reproduced, we use them to nourish our offspring.

Breasts are sexual to us and sensual to us for a few reasons.

One being that they have been heavily sexuality by the media. The public image of the breast is often one of sexuality, not nurturing. This is a PR issue, not an actual indication of the biologically appropriate use of the breast. But the sexualization of the breast by media and public perception is something that fortunately really only effects males directly.

What effects women directly is the sensuality of the breast. They’re sensitive. They’re soft. It feels good to have them touched. When our lover touches them gently and in a sexual way, it’s like any other erogenous zone. The spot of skin behind your ear, the nape of your neck, the inside of your thigh. These areas are sensitive, and when your lover kisses them, blows air across them, brushes against them, or otherwise touches them in an erotic or subtle way, they can turn you on quite intensely.

If, however, your child or a friend’s child or even an adult that you’re not attracted to.. Or heck, even if your lover were to come over and start poking you rhythmically in that area behind your ear, the back of your neck, or even your breast.. You’re not going to be turned on. Why?

Because part of what makes those spots sensual is the TYPE of touch. This is why a clumsy lover is going to have a hard time turning anyone on. Because the type of touch is part of where the erotic power comes from. Even your husband, who you are attracted to, is going to have a hard time turning you on by tugging on your earlobe. Even if your earlobe is super-sexually charged. It’s the wrong type of touch. When you breastfeed it is GOING to be the wrong type of touch. Nursing is a rhythmic motion. It doesn’t really touch the nipple so much as it touches the areola. It compresses and stretches and tugs. It doesn’t tease, it doesn’t flick, it doesn’t have any light or subtle touches. It’s strong. It’s rhythmic. It’s most definitely not sexual or sensual.

The other part of the erotic power comes pheromones. Your lover has pheromones that you find attractive and that arouse you sexually. When your baby nurses, the pheromones that your baby puts out are NOT going to be sexual. They’ll encourage nurturing, bonding, snuggling, feeding, comforting, etc.

The other part of the erotic power comes from the relationship that your lover and you have. You have expectations of sexual activity from him. This means that the idea of him may arouse you even if he’s not touching you and is not near enough to you for pheromones to take effect. Your expectations of a child or your infant are not going to be sexual. You’ll expect them to snuggle, to cry, to poop in their diapers, and to sleep a lot. (Except for when you want sleep, then you can expect them to be awake a lot.)

It is VERY unlikely that you will experience sexual arousal while breastfeeding your infant, even if you have experienced sexual arousal when a lover has suckled on your breasts. The two things are very very different.

And even if you end up one of the extremely rare women that feels a flutter of arousal while breastfeeding an infant, it doesn’t mean that breastfeeding is wrong or bad. You’re responding to a touch in a sensitive area, not to your child. Your body and your mind most likely just need a short time to adapt and get used to the new use of your breasts. Give it time. Be gentle with yourself. Some women experience orgasms during childbirth, this doesn’t mean that childbirth is sexual. Chances are that after your nipples get a little bit raw from that initial stretching out that breastfeeding brings, and then toughen up from nursing, that aroused feeling won’t be there anymore.

After 3 years and almost a month, I am no longer a breastfeeding mom.

My son nursed twice the day before yesterday, and yesterday he weaned himself.

I always thought that would be a bit more of a gradual process, you know. One of those things where after a few weeks I’d realize “Oh, wow. I don’t remember the last time he nursed”. It was.. Interesting.

My son was down to nursing once or twice every few days, going as long as 3 days without nursing. The day before yesterday, he nursed twice and I was thinking he was getting back into nursing again or something. Then yesterday he asked to nurse, leaned in, got a confused look on his face like he didn’t quite understand something, paused.. And kissed my nipple instead. Then he asked “Other side, Mahmie?” for the last time, kissed that nipple, pulled my shirt down, and asked to play a computer game again.

If he asks to nurse again, of course it’s there for him. But there was something very final about the whole thing that makes me think that was his way of saying he was done, moving on.

So in the past 5 days I’ve gone from having a breastfeeding and diaper-wearing little boy, to a self-weaned and underwear-wearing big boy.

Wow.

After 3 years and almost-a-month, it feels weird to no longer be a breastfeeding mom. I’m going to stick around here and continue posting (obviously) but.. Wow.

Last night after I put my son to bed, the meaning of that last “Other side, Mahmie?” hit me out of nowhere. Hearing that from him for what is very likely the last time.. The final real transition of baby to child.

Over the past three years, the different ways he asked to nurse or to change sides have changed from rooting around, to pointing, to grabbing, to making a face, to signing, to asking in a sweet little baby voice “nursh?”, and “other side?”

What a journey.

I’m happy-sad. Honestly, I’ve been sort of wanting/ready to wean (for my own reasons) since my son was around 18 months old or so, but being a firm believer in self weaning, I never really pushed him. I’m coping with a bit of grief over the knowledge that he very likely did not fully self wean and that it was circumstances that pushed him this final step… But even if I would hesitate to say it was fully a self weaning, it was gentle. It was slow. It was up to him. And he was the one that closed the door at the end, said his goodbyes. So I’m happy.

Just part of me is blindsided by the meaning of this particular transition. Something that has been a steady part of my role as his mother since the first hour after his birth, is no longer there. I didn’t expect to have that sadness. It’s.. Sort of nice. I understand now so much more all the things that mothers go through. How they can cry at kindergarten graduations, and at each step of leaving babyhood behind. And how it’s not so much sad as it is this happysad thing that must just run deep in the soul of mothers, eh?